Passions vs Reality
“Heyyyy guys, welcome back to my YouTube channel” is what I say to myself every day when I wake up. I don’t know, I just view my life to be a movie, that’s why I look around so much cause maybe there’s a camera around somewhere recording me. Like The Office and brown people weddings. Usually, I have alarms starting at 5am, so I can get myself to wake up and pray… it never works. Now let’s be real, who’s gonna wanna get up in the morning when you’re sleeping in a nice cool room? Not me. Honestly, it’s not that I don’t get enough sleep, I’m just burnt out.
High school and college have a whole different vibe. In HS I was burnt out and shredded myself to the lowest level. Even though I had the weight of the world on my shoulders, I did not fall through thin ice. It was okay though. I was able to take care of myself, my family, keep up my high gpa, do my extracurriculars, go to work, and just so much other shit. But college? It won’t work out like that. The classes are so long, no one’s on my back to remind me about assignments, and one lazy slip up can cost me a lot. Once I slip up in college, I will be behind for the road to graduate. Iwon’t allow myself to get their cause college aside, failing in general scares me. Maybe this has a lot to do with my childhood, but I kind of had it embedded in me that when you fail, you’re not good enough. Lucky for me, the need for academic validation will not allow me to fail, yay.
I know I am not the only one who’s scared too. Every Tuesday and Thursday when I enter Math 205 in the NAC building people typically look confused. Either because they got lost on their way to class since we have to cross the bridge (me) or because they don’t understand the content (also me). We have a quiz and people are studying like crazy, whispering how they can’t afford to fail this class. Most of them need it for their major, just like me. Currently I am a biology major on a pre-med track. Honestly, I don’t know if I chose the right major or college. After meeting and talking with so many people, I realized I can still be on the pre-med track and do a major I enjoy. The pre-med track though? I wouldn’t want to be in any other field. For me, the best way to make a person smile is by helping them feel better. I always knew I wanted to come to CCNY, but really Sophie Davis. I chose CCNY, so I can have the direct line to Sophie Davis. Sophie Davis Biomedical School of Education is a program within the Cuny School of Medicine which is also a part of CCNY. Sophie Davis is a Bachelor of Science and doctorate program all in one. So basically, you graduate in seven years with no MCAT. Ever since the pandemic hit and my cousin told me about the BS/MD program, I always know that’s one of my goals. Overall, just becoming a doctor and be the best at it. Given how determined I am, I really need and want to get in. That’s why this semester is so important to me. There’s no room for mistakes, but as a human I know I am allowed to make mistakes.
My time here at CCNY (if all goes well), I hope to get into medical school. My career goal is to become a pediatrician hence why I love my job as an after-school counselor. Something about children and helping others just excites me so much! Usually when the kids do not have school, I start my shift at 8am. I loveeee a morning shift cause right when I get there I knock out with the kids. My supervisor was my co-worker before, so she’s really chill with half the shit I pull off lol. She’s a real one because I never get there at 8am, but I always get a text on my phone when I have a morning shift that she clocked me in.
When I walk in, Yolanda (co-worker) greets me with “Damn, I can’t even sleep now?” I knew exactly what she was talking about. I damaged all her property on Monopoly Go at 1am while she was knocked out. I told her “You gotta sleep with one eye open girlypop”. She told me after I woke up from my nap, she’ll make me breakfast and of course I was excited. That’s probably one of the only meals I’ll eat all day. After I woke up around 11 am I looked around confused because 2 more kids came, but they were laying down using Tik Tok, so I had to join them. Some kids were hyped, I don’t know why, but others were chilling. Yolanda was kind enough to bring me mac and cheese in a red plastic bowl as I read a text from one of my friends that there’s an event in front of the NAC. I was excited because Tik Tok makes college look so fun (mmmm its not giving what it needs to give right now).
I love my job, not only because of the kids, but also the people I work with. Their energy is amazing, and the kids equally love me back, but I wanted to go to the CCNY event. At my job since I am the kid’s counselor, I assist them with their homework and lead activities. For example, on Earth Day we made paper Earths, and on Valentine’s Day we made letters to the people we love. I truly think this job helps prepare me for the medical field because I always have to think quick on my feet. All my kids are different, but sometimes have the same issues. A solution for one child might not work for the other. This relates back to the medical field because people can have the same symptoms, but not be diagnosed with the same things. I’m always working, volunteering, or studying which is exactly why I get burnt out. I got permission from Yolanda to leave early AND she was going to clock me out later, so I got all my money. On my way to CCNY, I was eagerly waiting for a response back from the biology department. I wanted to change my Biology class section. My anxiety can’t sit for hours with 200 strangers.
By the time I got in front of the NAC, I got my response back, yasss, I can change my section! I was so excited, but in a rush because I was worried someone was gonna take my spot that THEY OPENED FOR ME. I didn’t even say hi to my friends, I sat on the black hot bench, pulled out my laptop and changed it. In the midst of me tryna put my education first, Yashfe (my friend) saw me sitting and introduced me to everyone around (there were so many people around I couldn’t walk up to a big group on my own). I didn’t care because I noticed everyone, but Soheb (one of our other friends) was not there. I asked Zunaed (our other friend) and apparently Soheb was doing his business. Now I know it doesn’t take that long, so I lowkey got worried.
The boys told me to relax, they said Soheb is fine. Ummmm… To me the math wasn’t mathing, but hey if they’re gonna shrug it off, I did too. I was worried about Soheb because my gut feeling told me something was not right with him. Everyone around me was at least talking to someone, as the frat boys were dancing. They were so synchronized and I didn’t think CCNY had fraternities and sororities. It was pretty cool, they had everyone so engaged that all eyes were on them including mine. After the performance was over, I turned around and saw Yashfe and Zunaed rizzing up girls, so I let them do they thing.
I went to my spot in the library (the third floor) to do some assignment, buttttt it never got done. Usually, I’ll sit on the dirtyish green sofas, specifically the sofa with the table in front. In my defense, I needed a physical copy of almost everything I need to read or else I struggle. I didn’t have one, so I watched an episode of “Suits”, then got up and left. I was gonna go volunteer with Dr.Bhatia from Sophie Davis, but as I was walking out Zunaid was running in. Dr.Bhatia is the anatomy professor at Sophie Davis who allows me to edit the anatomy videos he records, so they are easier to understand for the medical students. “Hurry up, it’s Soheb”. All I could say was “Fuck, I told you so” and ran with him. I was really self-conscious running because I knew everyone was looking, but at the point fuck it, Soheb wasn’t okay.
We got to Soheb who was near the escalator near the cafeteria. I had to look twice since it was dim lighting and to make sure it was him. Soheb was surrounded by CCNY safety guys and EMT. They told us he overdosed on weed and was paranoid. Zunaid and I walked up next to him and wooofffff. That smell of throw up… I made sure Soheb knew Zunaid and I was there and he was just laughing.
We walked outside with Soheb and the EMT and everyone was staring. I really do not like being the center of attention, but I get why people were staring; I would too. Zunaid and I were scared, but we had to both think quickly on our feet. We ended up deciding that I will go with Soheb to the hospital and Zee will come back in time, so I can get to Math 205 in time. The whole ambulance ride I didn’t know whether to be anxious or disgusted. The vomit smell was HORRIFIC and this happened in our FIRST week of college.
EMT’s aren’t pretty good at emotional support and Soheb was shaking soo much, I knew he was anxious. I was scared to speak up, but I knew I had to. I switched spots with the EMT because Soheb needs some type of comfort as he’s paranoid and pulled out my baby wipes. I started wiping his hands and face, so he can feel refreshed. I knew he needed to sleep it off, that’s just how it is. He slept on my shoulder, and I felt a little more relaxed because I knew he felt a bit calmer. When we got to the hospital, I felt much better, I handled the situation gracefully and was quick on my feet. I took initiative and did what was needed to make sure Soheb was okay. He wasn’t in the right state of mind as the doctors were questioning him. I stepped in and made sure everything was correct.
The comfort, support, and hospitality I gave Soheb was something I really enjoyed. It was me in my element and I hope CCNY’s pre-health team can help me achieve my goal of becoming an MD. The CCNY Pre-Health team is something I hope to join my sophomore year as they help students get into medical school. I know in certain situations I will be scared that I will fail through this journey, but I am passionate about being a leader in a medical team to be able to provide comfort for others beyond Soheb. Since I had class later, I ended up leaving right on time to get to back to campus because Soheb’s brother works at the hospital, so he was not alone. The only thing on my mind during the bus ride back to campus was “I know I stink like throw up right now”.
I was so drained out, pero I know I had to go to class. “NEVER BACK DOWN, NEVER WHAT? NEVER GIVE UP” tik tok sound was motivating me. I just kept telling myself I can push through class; it will all be okay. Also, my mother in the back of my head telling me “Doctor oite ke easy? (“To be a doctor you think it’s easy” translated from Bangla, my mother’s tongue). I could not go to one class because I was tired, then I will make it a habit. I pushed through class by trying to remind myself of my goals. Yeah, college is a time to have fun, but I’m at CCNY to help shape me into being an amazing pediatrician, person, and student. What I love the most about CCNY is the family vibes, so I know someone always has my back even if I am scared. Soheb, Zee, and Yashfe were my first friends at CCNY and have helped me make so many more. All the memories we make really is something I cherish because we honestly do look like a little family.
